Its a warm spring night. It feels like its been ages since I last seen myself. Although, I can see myself from across the room through my mirror. I once had what I so longed for. A life I desired. A house were I felt at home. A lover who was in love with me as deeply as I was in love with him. A job that I looked forward to. Self love that I so worked hard for. Light that shined so bright. Then in a blink of an eye everything hits the fan. I no longer felt at home. My first important love had tarnished. My work was just a mere day at the office. My love for myself turned to anger and disgust. The light had turned off. I hid from the world. Not letting its life touch me. The dark corners of my room echoed my name, constantly, becoming my best friend. I learned what shadows felt like. Blurry days became so normal. And feelings were no such thing. I had become no one in such a short period of time. I figured out how I was able to go outside. I just faked a smile. (Its so cheesy to say, but it’s crazy how good it works). Then one Tuesday night, I walk into what seems to be a boring indoor soccer night. I had told myself that I had to at least go out for that. Which I did, and was progress. I met two wonderful people. A girl with a contagious laugh and a boy that hid mystery but was an open book. The three of us automatically click. (You know when you meet people and you know theyre your soulmate? Not in the romantic way, but knowing they’re stuck with you forever in some way?) Well Thats what it was. I just had not known it yet. I notice myself outside more often and starting feeling a uncomfortable feeling. Light was peeking in and I didn’t know how to allow it in. You see, once the shallow ends become so familiar, everything else feels so unpleasant. Then I caught my self one night in the bed of the boy who I so felt weirdly connected to. We stayed up all night talking about the most random things. No sexual attraction was in place but I oddly felt a warm sensation throughout my bones. It wasn’t till later I tasted him. And just like that, the light came in without an invitation. Over the weeks I figured out how to accept this newly found light and take it for what it was. I retired my dark corners, and stepped out into the sun.
So why did I type this no making sense paragraph? To tell you to go unfuck yourself. Go undo whatever dimmed your light. Find a new purpose. If that means finding a new sport or a new place to eat Thursdays night. Or simply enjoy working out (who knows maybe you become a fitness coach?) Anything that gives you meaning, go for it. Don’t hold back. Why wouldn’t you want to be able to recognize yourself again? I found myself in people. Thats what it was for me. The soul of another human being. It didn’t have to be romantic in order to know I would of found myself in that person. The romantic part just happened. It was a bonus. I just hope that whatever hole you are in, you’re able to crawl out. And just know that I love you.