I woke up earlier than usual. The previous night I couldn’t fall asleep. I guess in my mind the longer I stayed up the longer I would be able to prolong the inevitable.I struggle to get out of bed. I step into the bathroom and take a minute to stare at the person looking back through the looking-glass. The water is running… I can hear it in the background. ” It’s a few days, you can do this” I tell myself. I try to enjoy the warm water flooding every inch in my body. By now it’s 9 am as I get out of the tub and get ready. I have 3 hours until i have to go. I lay on the couch and think of it as any other day. My eyes fall and im asleep again. My step siblings wake me and its 11 am . Damn, it’s almost time. I gather all my important documents and identification. My sister had volunteered to take me. After all i had moved out from my mom’s house and was staying with my dad. I hadn’t spoken to her in weeks and especially not over this. No goodbye from her… My father couldn’t take me personally because he had to work a double shift all day. Anyhow im glad he wasn’t the one to take me to be honest. I think I wouldn’t have been able to handle the look he would have given me if he did. He had spoken with me the night before though. Telling me that I should take this as a learning experience, that he loved me very much and he would be waiting for my return. My significant other, which we had broken things off a few days prior, had promised to have breakfast in the morning before I left and said he would accompany my sister in dropping me. Oh! that’s why i had waken up early. Subconsciously I had set an alarm to be ready. I don’t know till this day why he really didnt show up. I called and called…. no answer. I gave up at this point at any response back. It took my sister 20 minutes to get to the destination. As we’re pulling up, he calls! I frantically pick up the phone and as I hear his voice I am relieved. ” Hi” I say, as my eyes start watering up. All i wanted was to speak to him at least. To hear his voice and reassure me that everything was going to be okay. That I had the strength to go through this. We park but we got a few minutes to spare, and i get lost in the phone. “Hey!” he says. “I’m so sorry i didn’t wake up!” he says. ” It’s okay i figured, at least im getting to talk to you” I tell him. I ask what he is doing and proceeds to tell me that he had just woken up and a mutual friend had called him. He put us on a three way call. Man when i say that one phone call gave me ability to not explode mentally i am being 1000,00% sincere. We all three talk on a three way and they tell me that i will be okay. That when I come back we will go to the bar to celebrate my triumph return. I had not cried the previous days but i found myself shedding rivers in a small BMW. We ended the call with a see you later, it only seemed fit. It was 5 minutes before noon and it was time to go in. Walking up to the building the words made me cringe. Los Angeles County Jail. Those four words are words your parents pray you never shall come across. Words that friends promise to stay by your side until it is over. Words that rip your significant apart. Friday the 8th i surrendered myself to the women’s detention center. My sister and I walk in. I immediate feel the dark and cold corners of the place. I stare at my sister and know she has read my mind. We continue to walk in and figure out where i have to wait. I notice more girls walking in and waiting. Some of them you would never have guessed they did anything wrong. It took 2 hours but they finally came. One by one they were called and lastly so was I . I embraced my sister and hugged her like it was the last time. She shed a tear but i reassured her that i was going to be okay and that i would see her soon….after all i was only doing 22 days.
“My feelings are as complex as the ocean and you are the moon that pulls my tides”
Its a warm spring night. It feels like its been ages since I last seen myself. Although, I can see myself from across the room through my mirror. I once had what I so longed for. A life I desired. A house were I felt at home. A lover who was in love with me as deeply as I was in love with him. A job that I looked forward to. Self love that I so worked hard for. Light that shined so bright. Then in a blink of an eye everything hits the fan. I no longer felt at home. My first important love had tarnished. My work was just a mere day at the office. My love for myself turned to anger and disgust. The light had turned off. I hid from the world. Not letting its life touch me. The dark corners of my room echoed my name, constantly, becoming my best friend. I learned what shadows felt like. Blurry days became so normal. And feelings were no such thing. I had become no one in such a short period of time. I figured out how I was able to go outside. I just faked a smile. (Its so cheesy to say, but it’s crazy how good it works). Then one Tuesday night, I walk into what seems to be a boring indoor soccer night. I had told myself that I had to at least go out for that. Which I did, and was progress. I met two wonderful people. A girl with a contagious laugh and a boy that hid mystery but was an open book. The three of us automatically click. (You know when you meet people and you know theyre your soulmate? Not in the romantic way, but knowing they’re stuck with you forever in some way?) Well Thats what it was. I just had not known it yet. I notice myself outside more often and starting feeling a uncomfortable feeling. Light was peeking in and I didn’t know how to allow it in. You see, once the shallow ends become so familiar, everything else feels so unpleasant. Then I caught my self one night in the bed of the boy who I so felt weirdly connected to. We stayed up all night talking about the most random things. No sexual attraction was in place but I oddly felt a warm sensation throughout my bones. It wasn’t till later I tasted him. And just like that, the light came in without an invitation. Over the weeks I figured out how to accept this newly found light and take it for what it was. I retired my dark corners, and stepped out into the sun.
So why did I type this no making sense paragraph? To tell you to go unfuck yourself. Go undo whatever dimmed your light. Find a new purpose. If that means finding a new sport or a new place to eat Thursdays night. Or simply enjoy working out (who knows maybe you become a fitness coach?) Anything that gives you meaning, go for it. Don’t hold back. Why wouldn’t you want to be able to recognize yourself again? I found myself in people. Thats what it was for me. The soul of another human being. It didn’t have to be romantic in order to know I would of found myself in that person. The romantic part just happened. It was a bonus. I just hope that whatever hole you are in, you’re able to crawl out. And just know that I love you.
How is it that its so damn hard to let go? We are so addicted to what isn’t right for us. We are infected with the virus of denial knowing the medicine needed to cure us. We are drunk with the idea that shit can change. That you must be dreaming and everything is an optical illusion. You can’t believe the harsh reality even though deep down you’re yelling at yourself. How is it that we hold on the the torns that leave us nothing but bloody hands?. How is it that we burn and are not willing to put aloe vera on it? We take it as it is, acting like its acceptable. We convince ourselves that holding on is being courageous but not seeing that letting go is what is. We panic at the thought of losing. Not having it anymore is the scariest and thinking we can never have it again. But baby you can do this. You NEED better. You should HAVE better. You WILL have better. Being strong is also knowing that what is killing you right now is making you stronger. You will blossom even brighter. You will shine even harder. You will swim farther. You are KIND. You are WISE. You are BEAUTIFUL. You are STRONG. Let the healing begin. I have.
Love you always,