July 8th.

I woke up earlier than usual. The previous night I couldn’t fall asleep. I guess in my mind the longer I stayed up the longer I would be able to prolong the inevitable.I struggle to get out of bed. I step into the bathroom and take a minute to stare at the person looking back through the looking-glass. The water is running… I can hear it in the background. ” It’s a few days, you can do this” I tell myself. I try to enjoy the warm water flooding every inch in my body. By now it’s 9 am as I get out of the tub and get ready. I have 3 hours until i have to go. I lay on the couch and think of it as any other day. My eyes fall and im asleep again. My step siblings wake me and its 11 am . Damn, it’s almost time. I gather all my important documents and identification. My sister had volunteered to take me. After all i had moved out from my mom’s house and was staying with my dad. I hadn’t spoken to her in weeks and especially not over this. No goodbye from her… My father couldn’t take me personally because he had to work a double shift all day. Anyhow im glad he wasn’t the one to take me to be honest. I think I wouldn’t have been able to handle the look he would have given me if he did. He had spoken with me the night before though. Telling me that I should take this as a learning experience, that he loved me very much and he would be waiting for my return. My significant other, which we had broken things off a few days prior, had promised to have breakfast in the morning before I left and said he would accompany my sister in dropping me. Oh! that’s why i had waken up early. Subconsciously I had set an alarm to be ready. I don’t know till this day why he really didnt show up. I called and called…. no answer. I gave up at this point at any response back. It took my sister 20 minutes to get to the destination. As we’re pulling up, he calls! I frantically pick up the phone and as I hear his voice I am relieved. ” Hi” I say, as my eyes start watering up. All i wanted was to speak to him at least. To hear his voice and reassure me that everything was going to be okay. That I had the strength to go through this. We park but we got a few minutes to spare, and  i get lost in the phone. “Hey!” he says.  “I’m so sorry i didn’t wake up!” he says. ” It’s okay i figured, at least im getting to talk to you” I tell him. I ask what he is doing and proceeds to tell me that he had just woken up and a mutual friend had called him. He put us on a three way call. Man when i say that one phone call gave me ability to not explode mentally i am being 1000,00% sincere. We all three talk on a three way  and they tell me that i will be okay. That when I come back we will go to the bar to celebrate my triumph return. I had not cried the previous days but i found myself shedding rivers in a small BMW. We ended the call with a see you later, it only seemed fit. It was 5 minutes before noon and it was time to go in. Walking up to the building the words made me cringe. Los Angeles County Jail. Those four words are words your parents pray you never shall come across. Words that friends promise to stay by your side until it is over. Words that rip your significant apart. Friday the 8th i surrendered myself to the women’s detention center. My sister and I walk in. I immediate feel the dark and cold corners of the place. I stare at my sister and know she has read my mind. We continue to walk in and figure out where i have to wait. I notice more girls walking in and waiting. Some of them you would never have guessed they did anything wrong.  It took 2 hours but they finally came. One by one they were called and lastly so was I . I embraced my sister and hugged her like it was the last time. She shed a tear but i reassured her that i was going to be okay and that i would see her soon….after all i was only doing 22 days. 

I’d Rather Go Blind

Something told me it was over
When I saw you and her talking
Something deep down in my soul said, “Cry girl”
When I saw you and that girl, walking ’round, oooh

I would rather, I would rather go blind boy
Than to see you, walk away from me, child, oh, oooh
So you see I love you so much
That I don’t want to watch you leave me baby
Most of all, I just don’t, I just don’t want to be free, no, oooh oooh

I was just, I was just, I was just sitting here thinking
Of your kisses and your warm embrace, yeah
When the reflection in the glass that I held to my lips, now baby
Revealed the tears that was on my face, yeah, oooh

And baby, baby, I would rather, I would rather be blind boy
Than to see you walk away, see you walk away from me, yeah, oooh
Baby, baby, baby, I’d rather be blind now

  • Etta James

Late Night Thoughts

Being in a relationship and having the feeling of potentially finding the one is amazing. However we are constantly changing and evolving. How do we know they will still be the one? What if we don’t love the person they become in 5 years? Or even in a year? Its a scary ass leap of faith we must take to stick around.

 

Sundays:Beginnings or Endings?

People dread the idea of it being Sunday. For them it means the weekend is over. Their escape of reality comes to an end. For others, like me, its a new beginning, a fresh start to have new goals for the week. It helps me feel like i can start over and it’d be okay. Gives me hope that upcoming days will be the time of my life. I like to begin my Sundays with are usually breakfast in the morning with my family or head to the beach with my sister. I occasionally like to stop by my local farmers market and just browse around. By just simply picking up a fresh batch of flowers can brighten and inspire my day. I also like going coffee shops. I prefer smaller business’s because it makes me feel more connected to my community. Little things like these is what i love the most. For me, Sundays are new beginnings not ends.

Soul On Soul Contact

Its 12:21am and I am on the bus heading home. There’s a empty seat next to me and all I wish was someone was next to me. You ever have those days where you just want to have a genuine conversation with someone? It doesn’t matter if they’re a friend or even a stranger? You just want to talk. For me human connection is very important. People we run into in our life make a difference if we like it or not. We take a piece of the moment that stays with us, forever. It might be that I’m lonely now or simply because I’m tired. But now that I realize it, I don’t really have someone I usually just call up and catch up with. Now a days we just talk to people either because we want something from them or just have to. We don’t call up someone just to see how they’re doing anymore. What exciting and exotic events have being taking place. We are so stuck in our everyday lives, that we forget. So next time you have the opportunity to have a conversation with someone, take it. Whether you know them or not. Maybe you get to hear a story of a lifetime or maybe it goes south but a least you learned something from it.

love you always,

M;