“When the sun rises in the west and sets in the east,” she said sadly. “When the seas go dry and mountains blow in the wind like leaves. When my womb quickens again, and I bear a living child. Then you will return, my sun-and-stars, and not before.” – Daenerys Targaryen”
“My feelings are as complex as the ocean and you are the moon that pulls my tides”
Something told me it was over
When I saw you and her talking
Something deep down in my soul said, “Cry girl”
When I saw you and that girl, walking ’round, oooh
I would rather, I would rather go blind boy
Than to see you, walk away from me, child, oh, oooh
So you see I love you so much
That I don’t want to watch you leave me baby
Most of all, I just don’t, I just don’t want to be free, no, oooh oooh
I was just, I was just, I was just sitting here thinking
Of your kisses and your warm embrace, yeah
When the reflection in the glass that I held to my lips, now baby
Revealed the tears that was on my face, yeah, oooh
And baby, baby, I would rather, I would rather be blind boy
Than to see you walk away, see you walk away from me, yeah, oooh
Baby, baby, baby, I’d rather be blind now
- Etta James
The summer… its endless night and blurred memories. It consists of days were you see the sunrise and and sunset forever.
Being in a relationship and having the feeling of potentially finding the one is amazing. However we are constantly changing and evolving. How do we know they will still be the one? What if we don’t love the person they become in 5 years? Or even in a year? Its a scary ass leap of faith we must take to stick around.
Its a warm spring night. It feels like its been ages since I last seen myself. Although, I can see myself from across the room through my mirror. I once had what I so longed for. A life I desired. A house were I felt at home. A lover who was in love with me as deeply as I was in love with him. A job that I looked forward to. Self love that I so worked hard for. Light that shined so bright. Then in a blink of an eye everything hits the fan. I no longer felt at home. My first important love had tarnished. My work was just a mere day at the office. My love for myself turned to anger and disgust. The light had turned off. I hid from the world. Not letting its life touch me. The dark corners of my room echoed my name, constantly, becoming my best friend. I learned what shadows felt like. Blurry days became so normal. And feelings were no such thing. I had become no one in such a short period of time. I figured out how I was able to go outside. I just faked a smile. (Its so cheesy to say, but it’s crazy how good it works). Then one Tuesday night, I walk into what seems to be a boring indoor soccer night. I had told myself that I had to at least go out for that. Which I did, and was progress. I met two wonderful people. A girl with a contagious laugh and a boy that hid mystery but was an open book. The three of us automatically click. (You know when you meet people and you know theyre your soulmate? Not in the romantic way, but knowing they’re stuck with you forever in some way?) Well Thats what it was. I just had not known it yet. I notice myself outside more often and starting feeling a uncomfortable feeling. Light was peeking in and I didn’t know how to allow it in. You see, once the shallow ends become so familiar, everything else feels so unpleasant. Then I caught my self one night in the bed of the boy who I so felt weirdly connected to. We stayed up all night talking about the most random things. No sexual attraction was in place but I oddly felt a warm sensation throughout my bones. It wasn’t till later I tasted him. And just like that, the light came in without an invitation. Over the weeks I figured out how to accept this newly found light and take it for what it was. I retired my dark corners, and stepped out into the sun.
So why did I type this no making sense paragraph? To tell you to go unfuck yourself. Go undo whatever dimmed your light. Find a new purpose. If that means finding a new sport or a new place to eat Thursdays night. Or simply enjoy working out (who knows maybe you become a fitness coach?) Anything that gives you meaning, go for it. Don’t hold back. Why wouldn’t you want to be able to recognize yourself again? I found myself in people. Thats what it was for me. The soul of another human being. It didn’t have to be romantic in order to know I would of found myself in that person. The romantic part just happened. It was a bonus. I just hope that whatever hole you are in, you’re able to crawl out. And just know that I love you.
People dread the idea of it being Sunday. For them it means the weekend is over. Their escape of reality comes to an end. For others, like me, its a new beginning, a fresh start to have new goals for the week. It helps me feel like i can start over and it’d be okay. Gives me hope that upcoming days will be the time of my life. I like to begin my Sundays with are usually breakfast in the morning with my family or head to the beach with my sister. I occasionally like to stop by my local farmers market and just browse around. By just simply picking up a fresh batch of flowers can brighten and inspire my day. I also like going coffee shops. I prefer smaller business’s because it makes me feel more connected to my community. Little things like these is what i love the most. For me, Sundays are new beginnings not ends.