I woke up earlier than usual. The previous night I couldn’t fall asleep. I guess in my mind the longer I stayed up the longer I would be able to prolong the inevitable.I struggle to get out of bed. I step into the bathroom and take a minute to stare at the person looking back through the looking-glass. The water is running… I can hear it in the background. ” It’s a few days, you can do this” I tell myself. I try to enjoy the warm water flooding every inch in my body. By now it’s 9 am as I get out of the tub and get ready. I have 3 hours until i have to go. I lay on the couch and think of it as any other day. My eyes fall and im asleep again. My step siblings wake me and its 11 am . Damn, it’s almost time. I gather all my important documents and identification. My sister had volunteered to take me. After all i had moved out from my mom’s house and was staying with my dad. I hadn’t spoken to her in weeks and especially not over this. No goodbye from her… My father couldn’t take me personally because he had to work a double shift all day. Anyhow im glad he wasn’t the one to take me to be honest. I think I wouldn’t have been able to handle the look he would have given me if he did. He had spoken with me the night before though. Telling me that I should take this as a learning experience, that he loved me very much and he would be waiting for my return. My significant other, which we had broken things off a few days prior, had promised to have breakfast in the morning before I left and said he would accompany my sister in dropping me. Oh! that’s why i had waken up early. Subconsciously I had set an alarm to be ready. I don’t know till this day why he really didnt show up. I called and called…. no answer. I gave up at this point at any response back. It took my sister 20 minutes to get to the destination. As we’re pulling up, he calls! I frantically pick up the phone and as I hear his voice I am relieved. ” Hi” I say, as my eyes start watering up. All i wanted was to speak to him at least. To hear his voice and reassure me that everything was going to be okay. That I had the strength to go through this. We park but we got a few minutes to spare, and i get lost in the phone. “Hey!” he says. “I’m so sorry i didn’t wake up!” he says. ” It’s okay i figured, at least im getting to talk to you” I tell him. I ask what he is doing and proceeds to tell me that he had just woken up and a mutual friend had called him. He put us on a three way call. Man when i say that one phone call gave me ability to not explode mentally i am being 1000,00% sincere. We all three talk on a three way and they tell me that i will be okay. That when I come back we will go to the bar to celebrate my triumph return. I had not cried the previous days but i found myself shedding rivers in a small BMW. We ended the call with a see you later, it only seemed fit. It was 5 minutes before noon and it was time to go in. Walking up to the building the words made me cringe. Los Angeles County Jail. Those four words are words your parents pray you never shall come across. Words that friends promise to stay by your side until it is over. Words that rip your significant apart. Friday the 8th i surrendered myself to the women’s detention center. My sister and I walk in. I immediate feel the dark and cold corners of the place. I stare at my sister and know she has read my mind. We continue to walk in and figure out where i have to wait. I notice more girls walking in and waiting. Some of them you would never have guessed they did anything wrong. It took 2 hours but they finally came. One by one they were called and lastly so was I . I embraced my sister and hugged her like it was the last time. She shed a tear but i reassured her that i was going to be okay and that i would see her soon….after all i was only doing 22 days.
“My feelings are as complex as the ocean and you are the moon that pulls my tides”
Something told me it was over
When I saw you and her talking
Something deep down in my soul said, “Cry girl”
When I saw you and that girl, walking ’round, oooh
I would rather, I would rather go blind boy
Than to see you, walk away from me, child, oh, oooh
So you see I love you so much
That I don’t want to watch you leave me baby
Most of all, I just don’t, I just don’t want to be free, no, oooh oooh
I was just, I was just, I was just sitting here thinking
Of your kisses and your warm embrace, yeah
When the reflection in the glass that I held to my lips, now baby
Revealed the tears that was on my face, yeah, oooh
And baby, baby, I would rather, I would rather be blind boy
Than to see you walk away, see you walk away from me, yeah, oooh
Baby, baby, baby, I’d rather be blind now
- Etta James
Being in a relationship and having the feeling of potentially finding the one is amazing. However we are constantly changing and evolving. How do we know they will still be the one? What if we don’t love the person they become in 5 years? Or even in a year? Its a scary ass leap of faith we must take to stick around.
Its a warm spring night. It feels like its been ages since I last seen myself. Although, I can see myself from across the room through my mirror. I once had what I so longed for. A life I desired. A house were I felt at home. A lover who was in love with me as deeply as I was in love with him. A job that I looked forward to. Self love that I so worked hard for. Light that shined so bright. Then in a blink of an eye everything hits the fan. I no longer felt at home. My first important love had tarnished. My work was just a mere day at the office. My love for myself turned to anger and disgust. The light had turned off. I hid from the world. Not letting its life touch me. The dark corners of my room echoed my name, constantly, becoming my best friend. I learned what shadows felt like. Blurry days became so normal. And feelings were no such thing. I had become no one in such a short period of time. I figured out how I was able to go outside. I just faked a smile. (Its so cheesy to say, but it’s crazy how good it works). Then one Tuesday night, I walk into what seems to be a boring indoor soccer night. I had told myself that I had to at least go out for that. Which I did, and was progress. I met two wonderful people. A girl with a contagious laugh and a boy that hid mystery but was an open book. The three of us automatically click. (You know when you meet people and you know theyre your soulmate? Not in the romantic way, but knowing they’re stuck with you forever in some way?) Well Thats what it was. I just had not known it yet. I notice myself outside more often and starting feeling a uncomfortable feeling. Light was peeking in and I didn’t know how to allow it in. You see, once the shallow ends become so familiar, everything else feels so unpleasant. Then I caught my self one night in the bed of the boy who I so felt weirdly connected to. We stayed up all night talking about the most random things. No sexual attraction was in place but I oddly felt a warm sensation throughout my bones. It wasn’t till later I tasted him. And just like that, the light came in without an invitation. Over the weeks I figured out how to accept this newly found light and take it for what it was. I retired my dark corners, and stepped out into the sun.
So why did I type this no making sense paragraph? To tell you to go unfuck yourself. Go undo whatever dimmed your light. Find a new purpose. If that means finding a new sport or a new place to eat Thursdays night. Or simply enjoy working out (who knows maybe you become a fitness coach?) Anything that gives you meaning, go for it. Don’t hold back. Why wouldn’t you want to be able to recognize yourself again? I found myself in people. Thats what it was for me. The soul of another human being. It didn’t have to be romantic in order to know I would of found myself in that person. The romantic part just happened. It was a bonus. I just hope that whatever hole you are in, you’re able to crawl out. And just know that I love you.
Promise that you will sing about me. When my light turns off and my ashes are laid to rest, promise you’ll sing about me. I hope i came into your life and brought nothing but love. I hope that i touched every corner of your soul. I pray that i flowed into your cracks and glued them back together, in some way. Please remember why you loved me before. Please remember all the times i cried. Not because it showed how vulnerable i was but because it showed i was strong enough to let it out. i hoped i saved you. Remember the side of you that i touched. The side i brought out that you had no idea you had. Remember the times we laid together. The times i let you in without hesitation. All the calm and hectic moments. All the sad and beautiful moments. Please remember. Please sing about me. Remember the times i touched the parts of you no ever had. The times i brought sensations no words can explain. Stand over my ashes and know that i gave you all the love i could. Remember it all.
love you always,